essential mix

Compiled and created by Adam Latham and Richard Thomas

Spring Break 2020

MTV over?hyped Daytona Beach, Lake Havasu is nowhere near anywhere, and Rosarito is fun until your friend gets stolen. It's all about lampin' on Mars. This issue, Lotus kicks you down with all the sundries you'll need for a relaxing Spring Break on the fourth rock from the sun. Yes, all these products do exist; we even own a few of them. So when the time comes to get on the bus, we'll be ready. Yeah. Get your Red Planet on.

1. Ruby Laser Pistol
Price: $1,800
Specifics: Nice. A space gat. Burn holes through metal, grill up burgers, and take pot shots from your lounge chair at passing signs of life while you knock back cans of Golden Anniversary. It can pop off about 100 blasts on eight D batteries, using 364 Joules at 1800 volts or 253 Joules at 1500 volts. (Just so you know.) The handheld pistol also comes with safety precautions and instructions on proper operating procedure.
For richer: The Objective Individual Combat Weapon, the military's standard issue assault rifle in 15 or so years. Enlist now to avoid the rush.
For poorer: Spitballs work pretty well, but you get more zip out of a good old, rubber band?propelled piece of Mead paper, folded up like a flying V of doom.
Contact info: http://www.futurehorizons.net/laser.htm

3. Antigravity Disc
Price: $1,250
Specifics: Ion propulsion provides the lift in this triangular, three?foot wedge, tailor?made for burning doughnuts in dry lakebeds and impressing intergalactic honey?dips. A fat power supply converts 20,000+ volts of juice, and you don't have to worry about any revolving blades tearing up the landscape. Back To The Future hoverboards are so last century.
For richer: Harrier "Jump" Jet…way more than you could ever afford.
For poorer: Strap some open cans on your shoes, toss a few lit M100s under there, and get hops the old fashioned way.
Contact info: http://www.futureHorizons.net/grav.htm

4. UFO Early Warning Detector
Price: $8
Specifics: This is by far the cheesiest looking piece of equipment we've seen in ages. It looks like a combination of The Clapper and a RF modulator, but the extremely sensitive device can pick up large metal objects from miles away with the help of an electromagnetic field detector. No longer will passing caravans of earth girls gone wild elude you, and your Anti?Gravity disc will be easily retrieved if misplaced or stolen.
For richer: We're not sure, but some non?battery?operated devices like radar might be stronger.
For poorer: "Hello?! Are there any UFOs up there!?"
Contact info: http://www.futurehorizons.net/ufo.htm

5. Spring Walker
Price: N/A
Specifics: Chip and salsa runs to the corner bodega have never been faster, as a leveraged exoskeleton distributes body weight and increases leg force to move you o'er the red plains like a big metal Tauntaun. The sales pitch promises you'll be "trotting a four?minute mile without tiring and scrambling up a mountain like an ATV." Look up US patent number 5,016,869 to get a handle on the mechanics.
For richer: Jet pack.
For poorer: Pogo stick. (Tri?color propeller hat optional.)
Contact info: http://www.springwalker.com

6. Birth of Mars
Price: $72
Specifics: According to this adult toy site, Mars was created in 1997, except this one was designed to pleasure those hard to reach areas…like behind your kidneys. Start with the rounded nub and easy your way up to the bulkhead, both sides provide good grip. Apparently the free?standing, Perspex unit can also be frozen in the icebox or heated in a tub of warm water for optimum sensory overload. Apparently.
For richer: Music journalists.
For poorer: Veggies.
Contact info: http://www.innerspace1.com/birthofmars.html

7. "Overcoming Jet Lag" by Dr. Charles F. Ehret and Lynne Scanlon
Price: $10
Specifics: With a three?week flight, you're going to need all the help you can get recuperating. This little book lists 62 "natural" ways to eliminate jet lag, including special tips for westbound and eastbound journeys as well as mental health exercises. For richer: Dorothy's ruby slippers, auctioned off at Sothebys on May 25th, 2000 for $666,000.
For poorer: One shot of Overproof, two times a day. You can't have jet lag if you never wake up.
Contact info: http://www.amazon.com

8. RoboScout™
Price: $699.95
Specifics: Eyes that relay color images to a wireless LCD screen, microphones that pick up sound around the area, and the ability to transmit your own (computerized) voice from a remote control make the two?foot tall RoboScout™ a must?have for all festive occasions. Runs it into something and it'll blurt, "Where did that come from." Other phrases of note: "Take me to your leader," "Comin' through," and "Show me your cans."
For richer: Jaded, post?dot.com 20?somethings work for cheap these days.
For poorer: I'm sure you could find an old 2XL on eBay for a few bucks. That thing even played eight?track tapes. Very retro.
Contact info: http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/productview.jhtml?sku=SI583BLU

9. Bombjack's "Mars Needs Women"
Price: $7.99
Specifics: Every Spring Break sojourn needs an anthem, so why not roll with the olde and break out this classic Freakaboom 12?inch. They're jigglin', baby. (Go ahead, baby.)
For richer: David Bowie's The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust
For poorer: It's never too late to learn to beatbox.
Contact info: Any vinyl shop bargain bin.

10. Big Gun snowboard
Price: $500.00
Specifics: Built for high speeds, deep powder, big drops and steep lines. Produced in limited quantities, these legendary shapes continue to draw a following of die-hard riders who understand and respect the Big Gun style. A benchmark in superior longboard construction and design. Guaranteed fresh tracks, pray for snow.
For richer: Glissade will custom build a board for any rider in any circumstances.
For poorer: Rub a little Sex Wax on a two-by-four piece of American lumber and you'll be set. Watch for splinters.
Contact info: http://glissadesnowboards.com

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